Giving up isn't something I do
by Koelkastrijder
Summary: It has been over a year now since the battle with Savitar started. One of the first who fell was Killer Frost. She now resides in the pipeline as a shadow of her former self. However there is still one person who never gives up on his best friend. And that person, is Cisco Ramon.


Even though Cisco has done this tons of times he is still nervous. Visiting Caitlin is always a gamble.

On some occasions she is calm and even quite pleasant, but on the other side of the spectrum are those visits where she is furious and downright unstable. Cisco was always the one who saw her at her best and her worst.

The rest of the team is so busy with focusing on defeating Savitar that they neglect Caitlin. She has become somewhat of a lesser evil, if you can call it that. Savitar is an immediate danger, Killer Frost however is safely locked up.

When Frost is at her worst, she often rants about how she hates all of her former friends for leaving her behind. She tells Cisco in very vivid detail what she will do to every single one of them if she ever gets out. Her favorite topic appears to be Barry. The only thought that seems to bring some twisted form of joy to Killer Frost, is Barry Allen's dead body, in front of her feet. 

It's all extremely heart wrenching for Cisco to bear witness to. Especially because even through all of Killer Frost's anger and hatred, Caitlin Snow's sadness and loneliness shines through. Some days Cisco can see her longing to be held by someone, or at least to be touched in some capacity, only for it to quickly be replaced by more coldness.

Another one of the tragic side effects of Caitlin's power, is the constant cold. It doesn't matter what Cisco tries to do, she's always freezing. In the past he has brought her blankets but they don't offer her any warmth. When that didn't work he tried to bring her warm drinks, but every time she touched them they froze. All that did was make her even more sad.

However one of the worst parts of it all by far, is that Killer Frost's mood seemingly switches at random. There is no way to pinpoint why she feels certain things at certain times. Cisco never says anything that might trigger her, it just happens. Sometimes when he comes in trying to just make casual conversation, she even starts to yell at him.

At least with Cisco, Killer Frost has relatively good days, whenever Barry tries to visit her she just screams at him to leave, but Cisco knows that deep down she wants him to stay. It's mostly an act trying to protect herself from feeling any other emotion than anger. 

If you'd ask Cisco to describe what is happening to his best friend he probably won't be able to find the right words. Caitlin's descent into madness did not really come as a surprise. Everyone knew it was bound to happen. But that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Cisco had already vibed him and Killer Frost fighting so it was pretty much inevitable. Despite Barry's optimism, the future is actually set in stone. That didn't mean that Cisco gave up on his friend however. He tried to be there for Caitlin, despite his own grief. Tragically, there was nothing he could have done. Fate would not let itself be escaped this time.

The battle from his vibe did actually come true, but not in the way that Cisco expected it to. The people who fought changed slightly. Barry ended up being the one going up against Killer Frost, not him. According to Cisco that was how it should be. Barry is the one who caused all of Caitlin's problems, so he should also be the one to face her at her worst.

At least that was the excuse Cisco used, if he was being completely honest he was too scared to fight Caitlin himself. It was already well known that Killer Frost hates Barry, Cisco didn't want her to hate him too.

It's not even that Caitlin didn't try to fight her abilities herself. Every time her eyes glowed or her powers acted up she'd run away and hide from everyone.

She'd never admit it to the others, but Cisco knows that she cried each time. He could see how her eyes would just be a little more puffy every time she returned from the bathroom. Caitlin hated what she was turning into, but she couldn't do anything to stop it.

On top of that Barry had decided that stopping Savitar from killing Iris was more important than curing Caitlin of her horrors. She tried not to let anyone notice it, but Cisco knew that that hurt Caitlin more than anything. All she wanted was to help Barry, but he did not intend to return the favor. Not when it mattered the most.

Cisco still isn't feeling too good about Barry either. Messing with the timeline has had severe consequences on him. It has taken some time, but he managed to forgive Barry about Dante. Forgiving him for what he did to Caitlin is another matter entirely however.

Cisco's brother died a pretty quick death, but he had to witness Caitlin dying every single day.

Before Cisco steps into the cell where his worst nightmare resides, he takes some time to remember how everything got to this point. How his best friend, and secret crush ended up not only being a prisoner of S.T.A.R Labs, but also one of her own mind.

Caitlin had finally lost it completely when she was alone at home one afternoon. Cisco still remembers that day, how could he forget? He still felt the guilt of not being there for her every single night when he tries drift into sleep. But he couldn't possibly have been there in time, he was out of town for Christmas.

Caitlin texted Barry for help in her moment of despair, since she was losing complete control of her own body and mind. She needed someone and she needed them fast. He in turn ignored her because he was with Iris, which may have been the last straw.

When Caitlin realized that no one at S.T.A.R labs could cure her she made a desperate move. She went to Savitar for help, he was supposed to be her destiny after all. Upon arrival she realized that she no longer cared about what happened to her or her powers. All she wanted was to make Barry Allen feel the pain she felt. The pain of being left completely alone when you need someone the most.

It took Team Flash a lot of effort to capture their former doctor when the time came. She was incredibly strong and very determined. Fighting her one on one would almost be a suicide mission, so it was decided that she had to be restrained in some way.

Cisco had previously created a device that could drain powers, but it was obviously not strong enough for Caitlin. Because of this Team Flash decided that it was better to sedate her. In a cruel twist of fate they had to use a serum that doctor Snow made herself a few days before falling off the deep end.

While Barry distracted Caitlin, or whatever was left of her, Cisco jumped up from behind and stuck the syringe into her back. He would've preferred to be gentle with her, but he knew that wasn't really an option anymore.

The look of horror and betrayal in her eyes when he did this, is one he will never be able to forget. For the first few days that Caitlin was locked up she didn't want to see anyone including Cisco, but after a while she allowed him to visit her.

She no longer made too much of a fuss. Forgiving the man who acted in her best interest was easy, but forgiving the one who cursed her was impossible. Her anger at Barry was like an anchor that kept holding her down, and it was clear that it stopped her from becoming her true self again. 

After his trip down a particularly cruel memory lane, Cisco takes a deep breath and opens the door in front of him. He is holding a hamburger in his left hand, hoping that his Cait will eat it.

She had insisted on being called Killer Frost, but he'd never do that. Caitlin would always be Cait to him no matter how she looked or acted

Speaking of her looks, she definitely looked a lot different from how she used to. The white hair and blue lips weren't that shocking, but the look of almost permanent anger and sadness on her face was simply agonizing. It destroyed Cisco every time he saw it.

While shaking off his unpleasant thoughts Cisco steps inside of Caitlin's cell. He opens the door that's still separating them and looks at Killer Frost with curious eyes. Since these past few months it was relatively easy for Cisco to see when she was having a good or a bad day.

Seeing his Cait having a good day instantly lifted his mood, but it also worked the other way around. When she was harsh and distant Cisco felt like his entire world fell apart.

She was standing with her back against the wall, looking at her own hands. She looked deep in thought, but Cisco decided to speak anyway.

''Hey it's me Cait'' he says, trying to sound as warm and kind to her as possible.

She looks up at him, not changing her blank expression.

''Who else would it be?'' she replies in her echoing voice. Even though Cisco was now pretty much used to it, it still made him jump a little. Killer Frost noticed, but didn't make a comment.

She hates the way her voice sounds too. It still hurts that even Cisco fears her, but she understands why.

These are by far the worst days if you'd ask Cisco. He'd rather have Killer Frost yelling the worst things to him than seeing Caitlin's sadness shine through the shell of a person she now is. If she was angry it could be written off as a side effect of her powers but sadness was much more difficult to see. It proved that underneath it all Caitlin was dying of crippling loneliness and neglect.

Cisco decides to ignore her comment about him being the only one visiting, in an effort not to make the situation worse than it already is. Dwelling on his friends' disinterest would only make him angry as well.

''I got you a burger'' he reveals, while holding up a paper bag. He tries to smile his warmest smile at Caitlin even though she is very intimidating to him.

She seems to soften a little at the kind gesture.

''You always take such good care of me'' She smiles to herself. ''I love those''.

Cisco carefully opens the small door that has been installed to feed prisoners.

''I'm sorry I have to give it to you like this'' Cisco sadly remarks. He really is sorry. It's inhumane how Caitlin is treated. It is like she isn't being held any higher than a common thug. She is sick and in desperate need of help, why is he the only one who understands that.

The mistake most people on the team make is thinking that all that's happening is just Caitlin's powers. Killer Frost isn't a separate personality of an entirely different being, she is Caitlin just as much as doctor Snow is. Killer Frost is simply a personification of everything doctor Snow doesn't want to feel. She is the hatred Snow tries to hide, the sadness she tries to forget, the honesty Snow would never allow herself to show. 

''It's okay Cisco'' Killer Frost replies, actively trying to make him feel a little better.

''How was your day?'' she asks, with genuine curiosity. At the same time she wonders why she even cares.

That question definitely catches Cisco off guard. She has never asked anything about his well being since she got locked up. Is it a sign of progression? Whatever it is it makes Cisco feel like he just won the lottery.

''It was bad, we're not getting anywhere with defeating Savitar. He is almost invincible and he keeps talking about these horribly rude prophecies for all of us. Not a nice guy.'' Cisco replies. It feels good to talk to his friend about his day. He misses this. Having a casual conversation with Caitlin seems like a blessing from the heavens these days.

''I can't say that makes me feel sad'' Killer Frost replies in a sarcastic tone.

''I know it doesn't'' Cisco laughs. He feels quite brave now that she is being friendly, so he asks his friend a question he's feared to ask for months.

''Why did you join him anyway?''

Killer Frost seems to stiffen at that. She hates talking about what happened with Savitar because it confuses her. She feels guilt, anger, satisfaction and regret all at the same time. Anger is an easy emotion for her, because it doesn't warrant self reflection. Guilt however is a pain she can't bear feeling.

''Initially I did it because I felt hopeless and I thought I couldn't fight my destiny so I might as well embrace it'' She honestly replied. Her expression was blank. ''No one was there to stop me that day, otherwise I might never have done it in the first place'' she continues. Her voice sounds accusatory, but Cisco knows it's not meant for him.

''Initially?'' he wondered.

''After a while I realized that I really did it because I hated the Flash and I wanted revenge on him''

Use of Barry's superhero name, that was always a bad sign.

They stay in silence after that. Cisco doesn't check the time, but it may have been a full five minutes until one of them speaks again. He doesn't know what to say.

''Why do you still visit me every day Cisco?'' Killer Frost asked. ''No one else does. They have given up on me. Which Is understandable.'' She admits.

There it was again. That hint of sadness.

Cisco knew that even though Killer Frost hates Barry, deep down Caitlin Snow still wants him to come to her to talk. She feels the same way about everyone else she used to call her friend. Caitlin doesn't like tension, she never did.

''I would never give up on you Cait you know that'' Cisco sincerely replies to her earlier question. And he meant it, he would never do what the others did. He would always support her in every way he could. Even if it was just turning up with a hamburger in order to make her feel wanted again.

The two scarred Meta's enjoy a peaceful silence after Cisco's revelation of dedication. Despite her calm presence Cisco can see that Caitlin is feeling a thousand different emotions.

Cisco instinctively puts his hand on the glass in front of him in an effort to comfort her. Not only that but he also really craves to have some contact with his friend, even if it has to be separated by glass. She hasn't been touched by anyone in almost a year.

Immediately after raising his hand, Cisco realizes what he is doing. She won't want his pity. He's going too far with this. What if she turns on him again?

But to his surprise she lifts up her hand as well, and looks him into the eyes. Her eyes start to glow again. A sign of heightened emotion, he has come to figure out. It doesn't scare him anymore though. Emotion was good, emotion meant that they could talk.

''Why won't you give up?'' she wonders. ''It's only a matter of time before I hurt you as well''.

Her question made Cisco feel particularly sad. He always knew she feared her powers, but now he finally understood why she kept trying to push him away.

She was trying to protect him. After so many times of being called a monster it's no wonder that she started to believe it herself. Caitlin's biggest problem was that she felt like it all didn't matter anymore. She lost her will to fight, because in her eyes, everyone had already given up on her.

Cisco has to make her feel like he doesn't fear her. That she's not someone to be feared. That she still deserves love.

That she is loved.

''It's because I love you Caitlin'' Cisco admits. He feels great now that the words have finally left his lips. ''I love you, and I love all of you. I love doctor Snow, I love Cait I even love Killer Frost. You mean everything to me, with or without powers''.

At that Caitlin starts to softly cry, but for the first time in so long her tears aren't made of loneliness or regret. They are tears of joy and love. Maybe even of hope. After being in the dark for so long she finally feels like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Cisco has always been her light.

''I love you too Cisco'' She admits. ''You are one of the only people I find myself still being able to care about. Despite everything'' Caitlin continues while sadly looking at her own hands. It is almost impossible to notice, but her voice slowly loses its echo and her eyes seem to be gaining their normal color back as well.

This makes Cisco cry too. ''I'll save you from all of it Caitlin just like you saved me so many times''. He lets out.

''I can help you try to control it'' he enthusiastically suggests. ''I've tried finding a way of getting rid of it completely but it's impossible, the only thing that might work is to send Barry back in time, but we all know how that will turn out'' Cisco jokes sarcastically.

Miraculously Caitlin laughs at his perhaps poorly placed joke.

''Yeah that doesn't seem like a very safe idea'' she laughs. ''But I'd love it if you could help me Cisco''.

Hearing her say his name without the echoing chant she somehow lost during their conversation made Cisco the happiest man alive.

''We're going to make it through this Cait. You and I together'' he smiles.

''Yeah, yeah we will'' Caitlin replies with a smile of her own, while she tries to remove the tears from her beautiful warm brown eyes.


End file.
